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Broken

Somedays I wake up and plaster a smile all over my face, feeling like I have to hide the battle going on inside my heart. Sometimes I have this intense need to put this wall up and let everyone know I’m okay, even when everything in my body is saying let’s just stay in bed all day.

Depression when you have kids can be one of the most difficult and isolating battles I have ever been through. Where gonna get real and rip off this bandaid real quick, okay?

I’m Drena, and I often suffer from depression. It’s not something I usually broadcast or share with others, but it’s real. I’m better than I was, but there’s still mornings I wake up and my emotions hit me like a ton of bricks weighing on my chest.

When I was younger, my stepmom could tell exactly how my day would go based on how I woke up that morning. I didn’t know it then, but how I woke up, was based on how my night went, and sometimes it’s true even TODAY!

When I was younger, I would have nightmares and spend the night calling out for my mom who passed away. Or I’d toss and turn all night as I relived memories in my sleep.

As I’m writing this, I’m blasting Christian music, and praying to God, that he’d help me not believe the lies my mind is telling me right now!

Last night, I tossed and turned in my sleep as I relived other memories from my childhood. I was 13/14 years old, crying as I held my ripped out hair in my hands, washed over with feelings of inadequacy, shame, unwanted-ness, and feeling unlovable and lonely. Feelings I woke up with this morning.

There was a time in my life, I wondered where God was and why me? A time I turned away from him completely. I wanted nothing to do with a God, that would put me through as much pain as I was in!

But y’all, he never left me, and he didn’t cause my pain! There were SO many times I should have died, probably more than I could count! But HE saved me! He breathed life into me! And he brought me back to him! I remember the exact moment it happened!

The closer I grow to Him, the more I let go and give it to him, the more healing I receive! He wants to heal us y’all, all we have to do is give it to him, just ask him!

I’m guilty of holding on to pain that surrounds the memories of my momma. I don’t have many memories of her anymore, and I have often felt like that pain is all I have left of her, and if I give that up, I’m giving up all I have left of her.

These are just lies the enemy is whispering to us! LIES! When I give it to God, I’m not losing anything! I gain untarnished memories, a healed heart, and a better relationship with God.

The enemy tells me I’m broken, tarnished, unworthy, unlovable, ect!

God tells me, I was created in his image! I could never be so broken He couldn’t put me back together, I am worthy! I am LOVED, and Jesus’s blood had washed me clean!!

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