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Becoming Me

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post here, and for that I am sorry.

I’ve been dealing with some issues of the heart issues. (Not actual medical issues.)

Some family issues.

Some spiritual issues.

Some God issues.

You see, I’ve been trying to “help” God. Trying to show Him, and get Him to understand what I feel I truly need.

I’m sure y’all can guess how that’s been working out for me.

And if you can’t guess, I’ll just tell ya: IT HASN’T!

Lately I’ve been struggling with this comparison of who I am and who I think everyone wants me to be. Ive spent so much time on my knees, calling out to God:

Just CHANGE ME! Make me different than who I am! Just make me more like what they want me to be, who I should be! Help me be different than who I am right now! Or harden my heart, because Lord, something’s got to give!

I’ve screamed out to God, and I’ve prayed this prayed with tears streaming down my face!

I’ve tried so hard to be this person I thought I needed to be. This person who doesn’t let others see hurt and pain in my life. This person who closes the door and says “you can’t see my mess.” This person who wants to appear perfect and whole, and not a little bit broken.

But God says different.

And I find this written on my heart today!

Don’t you know, my child, that it always looks worse before it gets better? Don’t you know I have a plan for you? Have you not learned to quit leaning on your own understanding?

Does the planter not tear up the ground to plant the seed? Do the trees not shed their leaves before they bloom again in the Spring? Does the Mother not labor before she holds her baby? I’m not punishing you, or hurting you on purpose, I’m shaping you! And when I am ready you will be who I want you to be! Just as you wouldn’t rush the artist, be patient with your journey. You were created for a reason. You’re gifts are special and unique to you. You’re headed in the right direction, your road just looks a little different is all.

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